It Hurts My Heart

That's what my 5-year-old son told me one day. He said that in response to witnessing a heated exchange between his mother and me over a disagreement. When I asked how it made him feel to see mommy and daddy arguing, that's what he told me. That speaks volumes, doesn't it? I felt really bad when he told me that. I realized that I was part of modeling behavior that was not healthy.

Our children have way more sense than we give them credit for. Although at times, it is inevitable, it's crucial to be intentional about not arguing in front of your children. When you have a situation with a small child that spends an equal amount of time with their parents, seeing them at odds really affects them. They don't want to take sides, but their young minds and hearts can't process how the two people they love the most are expressing so much anger at each other. When it happens, I noticed that Carter would start making noise, crying, or flat-out trying to get us to stop going back and forth with each other.

The actions and habits children see from their parents will be mirrored in some form or another. It may lead them to believe that yelling angrily is an effective way to communicate. It may also cause them to withdraw and not want to express themselves out of fear of being yelled at. I know the man and woman relationship dynamic can get complicated, and often times communication is laced with frustration and at times resentment. Those two ingredients alone can cause a civil conversation to go left quickly.

It is, however, up to the adults in the situation to act civil, or better yet, schedule times to hash out these differences. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I do believe it's healthy for children to witness disagreements that have a positive tone within the conversation. We have to realize our little ones will be young adults before we know it. It is imperative that we model behavior that is healthy and positively conducive to their emotional well being.

So when a conversation between his parents does go there, Carter may tell us to not argue. We simply tell him, that we are just talking and trying to get some things figured out. We're both human, and I don't ever want him to witness me yelling or speaking to his mother disrespectfully. Also, he should not witness that behavior from his mother to me either.

Everything we do is teaching our children something. It's my job to show him how to be respectful. In turn, I am showing him how he is supposed to be treated and talked to. All of this is still a work in progress. Pray for our family.